Update 05/22/01: After I wrote this, someone, not me, submitted it to Plastic where it was picked up and (to my understanding) ran on the front page. God must like David Foster Wallace novels.

Yesterday (05.04.01), a story on the Icy Hot Stuntaz I submitted to Plastic was picked up on the front page. I know that a lot of other webloggers detest Plastic. But face it, it's not going away, and while it's no metafilter, it's more open than your typical corporate site. Anyway, a few of my friends are Plastic editors via one of the affiliate sites. I've heard them complain more than once how their stories typically don't get picked up on Plastic's front page. And the ones that do aren't always their best stories, they claim, they are merely ones that follow a certain Plastic formula. Thus, in the public interest, I present that formula, expanded by yours truly, of course. If your submission contains multiple elements from the list below, chances are you're going to see it on the front page.

1. Lefty Causes Rule the Day -- If your story, and particlularly your writeup, has a lefty angle, Plastic will love it. Guess what? Plastic's editors are liberals. How do I know? Feed. Suck. The New Republic. Inside/Brill's. These are your liberal media elites that fat men on the radio love to complain about but that don't actually exist in great numbers. Except on Plastic. And perhaps here.
2. I heart James Gandolfini -- Somebody at Plastic has a thing for Tony Soprano, The Sopranos, New Jersey, or the mob.
3. Gay is good -- Stories about gays and lesbians are a sure thing on Plastic. Why? Because they are an intrensic part of number one while pissing the everloving shit out of number four.
4. The Hinterlands are Funny -- People who don't live in San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago, DC, or LA are stupid and should all be sterilized so that they can't breed. Why? Because all of us in San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago, DC and LA grew up in Indiana where we regularly got our nerdy asses kicked.
5. People with Religion are stupid -- If you belive in God, you might go to heaven, but you won't get to make witty bon mots about Baptists at the hipster parties where everyone is on Adavan. There are no churches in San Francisco. None.
6. Celebrities are Laughable Creatures -- Oh those shallow, greedy famous people. They so do not deserve their good fortune. That fortune belongs to far superior people who labor in obscurity. Like Plastic Editors. Except for Joey Anuff. I think he qualifies as a weblebrity or cyber-celeb, depending on which circle of hell you reside in.
7. Dick Cheney is Evil -- We all know who the man behind the curtain is. It is up to Plastic to expose him. His heart may be frail, but it is also cold and black. He must be shown no mercy.
8. Dubya is Stupid -- This pretty much goes without saying.
9. An Automatic Media story -- It's not pimping if you're selling yourself. No matter what kind of self-indulgent piece of crap shows up on Suck, it will appear on Plastic's front page.
10. Quirk Factor -- This is the hardes to quantify. But suffice it to say that if your submission could be in any way construed as real news, it's not going to make the cut. What you need is a high quark factor. A story that makes people stand up, take notice, ans proclaim, "Well, I'm far superior to those buffoons. Quirky stories usually involve numbers three four, five or six.

So if your submission is a Feed story involving a gay dwarf in Kansas who cuts off his fingers as an homage to God after being encouraged to do so by Dick Cheney, you're set.

Today the current front page stories are on Madonna's tickets being sold exclusively via AOL (1, 6, and possibly 3), a Harvard Sit In (1), The US Losing it's Human Rights seat in the UN (1), Ebay banning the sale of hateful merchendise (1), RJ Reynolds' Project SCUM (1), the compassionate conservative Tax cut Scheme (1, 7, 8) A concept car that runs on compost (1, 10), Sandra Bullock as Wonder Woman (1), Pittsburg's Garage sales (10), Gang Rape on the Rise in France (1, 10), Some Suck crap (9), Tom Cruise's gay wresling lover (1, 6, 3, 10) The Energy Crisis Myth (1, 7), Black students seize Penn State for a protest (1), Bottled Water is the equal of Tap water (this one's a wild card), Neuroscientists growing brain cells taken from corpses (10), A Les Mis sequel (10), Georgia's Execution tapes (1), and that's all I have the patience to write about. But I think you get the point.

Get me away from here I'm dying.