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monday, january 21

My page has a new address!
Please go to http://www.honan.net/harper.php
Be sure to update your links and bookmarks. This will be my site's new permanent address

What is it about answering machines that just make my butt muscles clench and my voice suddenly turn fakey and awkward...?> I get nervous and can't think of what to say and either end up rambling on extensively or hanging up or just freaking out and sounding like a total weirdo. I usually feel MORE distant from the person for whom I am leaving the message than I did before I called them. I am sometimes suprised that anyone calls me back.

Maybe it is because it is a permanent recording of something that you say... maybe it is because i was calling them because I really wanted to hear their voices and talk to them but instead I got some stupid tape. I just called Beth from here in Bowling green, and I haven't talked to her in a while, and I miss her and wanted to hear her voice and make some plans for next week. I bet that I talked on her message tape for five minutes, and all of it sounded so stiff and awkward and it ended with me calling her Bethy... I don't blame her if she never calls me back.

answering machines.

Our new answering machine at home makes Mat and me laugh so hard because we left it on the computer voice that picks up. PURPOSEFULLY sterilizing the thing even more... it is hilarious! The computer voice sounds SO psyched to get the honor of answering our phone. It is like it has been lonely in our apartment all day, and the phone rings and it gets to have some conversation! HELLO! no one is a-vai-la-ble to take your call right now... I don't blame people for not leaving messages. That is even worse than a normal answering machine message. Of course Jeffrey's messages are always the greatest because he sings songs and then hangs up with BEE-ATCH!!

saturday, january 19

I'm at home in Bowling Green, Kentucky... It has been pouring snow, and the city is beautiful. Dad and I went to an early early yoga class, got a coffee, and drove around taking pictures of some of the pretty buildings with the snow on them. The snow coating the trees is just incredible...
It's good to be in my childhood home...

I miss mat...though.

friday, january 18


When I came to San Francisco, he was one of the first that I met
so smiley and happy, he made me feel as welcome as a pet
puppy that is cute.

As I shacked at his house with Mat I felt I belonged
It felt kind of homey and helped to make me strong
as I faced the turmoil of moving across the country
I could never be homesick because Jeff was so funny...

I started to hang out with Jeff because he was Mat's friend
but now he is one who I know always will lend
an ear to my troubles and pick me up from my woes
and when I am anxious, he makes jokes about pig toes...

Jeff, you are truly one of my best friends and a part of my family.
I hope to always live in your very close vicinity
there is nothing like Jeffrey night over at our pad
when you come into my presence I feel warm, happy, thankful, and like I could never know sad.

It's lucky that poetry Friday came on the same day as the birthday of one of my bestest buddies in the whole entire universe. Happy birthday to Jeff... a man of gentle spirit and genuine love.

Happy happy birthday to my pal Jeffrey!!!!!
I am so sorry that I can't be there, Jeff.

Have a wonderful day...

tuesday, january 8

These are old posts from that day that Blogger was broken...

I've had lots of kinds of blocks for weeks...

The energy in my body is kind of just pulsating in the same spots and won't really move. I haven't been writing or meditating... been kind of a hermit as a matter of fact. My body just feels sluggish... stuck. Kapha energy predominating.

Kapha energy in the study of Ayurveda is the steady earth energy. Steady, but slow and heavy. Not much movement. Stable. The thing is that when kapha is dominating me, I don't feel stable at all. I feel frustrated with myself and like something is wrong with me.

We went hiking on Sunday, and I felt all of these blocked spaces clearing. While we were out there breathing in the moist air and soaking in the green green medicine of the plants and trees, I felt exhilerated, free. My energy danced and swirled smoothly. It flowed, not pulsated. flowed. I felt light,meditative,ideas were coming to me.

As we drove back into town across the bridge, we paid our toll in more ways than one... I exchanged that absolute high for worrying about where we would eat because I was starving, thinking about work, getting annoyed at people in traffic, just a whole different feeling. My soul felt crowded. Does the city have that affect on me? Would any city have that affect on me if that was the city where I lived and worked?

Perhaps going across the bridge to Cataract Falls adds to the glory of the place. You drive only a short distance yet actually going across a bridge puts you in a whole other state of mind. You are seperated from your concerns by an actual bridge. I must explore more of Mt. Tam. She calls to me with her beauty and space. Her ridges, waterfalls, streams, forests, and trails are where I feel at home in my body. I am being shown a lot lately that I would like to learn more about the ability to channel places.

I believe that you can channel places. and people and states of mind.... I just want to learn more about doing it so that next time I'm working late I can channel Cataract Falls. Next time I sit empty-headed or muddled in front of a journal entry that just won't materialize I can channel sitting on top of Yosemite Point with my brother.

Fragmented ramblings today from a fragmented spirit...

I have had writer's block for weeks now.

wednesday, january 2

I wanted to have some little ceremony or some kind of ritual on New Year's Eve to give thanks for the past year and to ask for a blessed 2002. I envisioned sitting on top of a mountain meditating, praying, writing in my journal, breathing... I built up all of these expectations in my head and heart.
So when we had trouble finding Mount Diablo and then when we found it realized that we were almost out of gas and had to turn around and get gas before going up there... time ticking away before we were to pick up Rob at the airport... I acted like a brat and blamed Mat for the whole excursion not living up to my expectations. Of course I wouldn't think to blame myself.
I sat up on top of mount diablo blocked up with frustration and anger, unable to meditate or pray. It was so beautful in retrospect, sitting on top of the higest peak in the bay area, watching the fog roll in, listening to a stream bubbling nearby, looking at a lone bird perched on a phone wire surveying his world. I was brooding on the fact that I didn't have all of the time up there that I had wanted. I didn't have my ritual that I had so much expectation built up around.
Rob and Mat and I were talking this morning over breakfast, and rob pointed out that it is when you have such high expectations of a thing or person or place or time that you get disappointed. Expectations are all about attachment. Once you attach yourself to something and therefore try to make it exactly how you want it and judge it as either turning up good or bad, you have found the root of unhappiness.

Acceptance and simple observation of how your life is unfolding rather than trying to make it all end up "good" are the ways to a life well lived... A huge undertaking, trying to practice detachment. Nondualism -- stop judging everything as "good" and "bad", "black" and "white"... living up to or not living up to your impossibly high expectations.

it always amazes me when I learn something from a friend who really wasn't trying to teach...