The following rant about Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones comes from the Destiny-land web-log.
I used to always say that The Empire Strikes Back was the best of the Star Wars saga. But when I watched it on FOX a few weeks ago -- I really didn't enjoy it as much. Part of it's being older. Maybe part of it was all those commercials FOX ran. Plus the general dissipation of good will I'd already experienced after Phantom Menace. (Which I point to as the single most-disappointing film experience I've had in my lifetime. Two hours, zero entertainment. Man, I bet the people who waited in line for weeks were pissed...)Anyways, I'd really love to be able to brag I didn't go to Attack of the Clones; that I didn't even want to. Harry Knowles loved it, but that's probably because he was the very first person to get a super-sneak preview. Some reviewer will probably eventually say the movie is a clone, of better earlier movies, now attacking the box office through a merciless onslaught of advertising and hype.
The New York Times' reviewer made a good point, though -- the movie is a pre-ordained blockbuster. I was one of the freaks who had some quibbles with Star Trek IV, but came up with a handy truism that applies here as well. They could film the entire cast sitting in lawn chairs discussing baseball statistics -- and millions of people would still go. Even knowing it was going to be the entire cast sitting in lawn chairs discussing baseball statistics. "Man, this movie does suck," they'd say. Ensconced in their non-refundable theatre seats, slowly seething...
Someone might add, "but it's still better than Phantom Menace." But would it matter? They'd run and tell their friends "It was terrible! There were no action sequences! Just a single, two-hour take of the entire cast sitting in lawn chairs talking about the baseball season."
"I heard they filmed it in Tunisia."
"You're missing my point! There are no light sabers, no robots, no space battles. Just actors sitting in lawn chairs discussing baseball statistics. (Pause.) Er, you're still going to go, aren't you."
"Yeah."
It'd be like the "Royal Nonesuch" show in Huckleberry Finn -- which sold out not once, but three times.
In fact, I'd actually have alot more respect for George Lucas for doing that. Some people suggest that Chris Carter killed "The Lone Gunmen" in the X-Files series because he's really sick of doing it, and wants to sabotage the whole thing beyond repair before he walks away from it for good. I don't buy that theory, but it's an excellent working model for something I'd like to see happen. George Lucas is a 60-year-old man. He knows he's going to die, and the hell with posterity. He demands the studio give him full creative control over the final Star Wars movie; he'll generate all the special effects himself, he says. It's a top-secret, hush-hush project. Finally it's released: Star Wars III - the director's super sekrit special edition.
And it's the whole cast discussing baseball statistics in lawn chairs.
Bwa ha ha! Pop culture history is made! They'd be talking about it for decades. Someone once said the only true work of surreal art is one where when the audience goes home, they discover that their homes have all been burned to the ground.
Ooo, I'm loving this. And then at the end of the movie -- which, remember, was the entire cast sitting in lawn chairs discussing baseball statistics -- pretentious sappy music comes up, say this 1963 Anthony Newley classic...
If I ruled the worldFuck all of you! If you bend your knee to the mass media, you deserve what you get. Maybe this film can be the first crack in the entertainment state's stranglehold on the planet's hearts, minds, and dreams.
Everyday would be the first day of Spring.
Every heart would have a new song to sing
And we'd sing of the joy
Every morning would bring....
If I ruled the world.
Every man would be as free as a bird.
Every voice would be a voice to be heard.
Take my word.
We would treasure each day that occurred.
And then people would tell their own stories to each other, have their own web-logs....My world.
Would be a beautiful place.
Where we can weave such beautiful dreams....
Yes, I've got a touch of Saturday insanity this morning. No matter what the topic is, everything sounds to me like it's about blogging. Even the New Pornographer's "Breaking the Law." ("I can never place the name with the face. Don't touch me. Do the tease by the numbers... Give us the keys! Now! We'll burn this hall of justice down!") I hate Star Wars, I hate George Lucas, and I had more fun reading a $1.25 Spider-Man comic book Saturday afternoon than I did watching the $100 million dollar Spider-Man movie Saturday morning. I'm a mad evil genius, hell-bent on destroying the entertainment state from within. Empires topple, Rome crumbles, and the planet is ultimately ruled by roving bands of lawless punks. Zombies walk the earth, Britney Spears is put to death, wax museum sculptures are burned in effigy.And the final Star Wars movie is nothing but the entire cast sitting in lawn chairs discussing baseball statistics.
Every head would be held up high.
There'd be sunshine in everyone's sky.
If I
ruled the world.
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