[LEMONS] 2.01.2006
Four Things
From AndreFour Jobs I've Had
- T-shirt packer - This was a job I had one summer in Mt. Pleasant (see below). T-shirts would come off the line, and a woman would grab it, fold it, and slide it down to me. I would stack them in piles of ten. When I got to ten I put them in a box. When the box was full I closed it up and put it on a pallet behind me. When the pallet filled up, I used a pallet jack to move it to the loading dock, approximately 20 feet away. I was one of two "white boys" working there. Sure, I was 22, but I was still a boy, apparently. (And in all fairness, I've met very few 22 year-olds, who aren't in the military, that aren't boys.) The women--everyone else was a woman--all spoke Gullah, and it took me a long time to be able to understand them at all. It was brutally hot and mind-shatteringly monotonous. I was just a temp, making minimum wage and working for a few weeks until I scored a job at a nearby restaurant. For them, it was a career. I think about it sometimes when I'm feeling sorry for myself, and realize how fortunate I am.
- Clerk - I've counter jockeyed at more than one shop. But there's one place in particular that stands out. It was a place I worked in Breckenridge, Colorado. And it was so unbelievably bad that, despite the fact that I don't typically do these blogger survey thingies, ever since I read Matt's post, I've been hoping someone would tag me just so I could talk about it.
I was in a weird place when I lived in Colorado. This was during my lost year, when I would work eight jobs (including two listed here) in three different states. I had more or less fled college. I was confused, alienated, and, more often than not, drunk. I needed to figure things out. (And I did, I did!) I left Athens to go to work at Keystone, and to move in with my cousin, Doug. But not long after I arrived, I was fired from my job as a lift-op after I ditched work to go to Vegas one weekend. Here's a tip for prospective slackers: never call in sick from a casino. Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!Ding!
I subsequently went through a string of jobs--the best and longest-lived working as a photographer. I was one of those guys who stood at the top of the lift and asked if you wanted your picture made. It was a great gig. Free ski pass. All day spent outside. I had a few hours off in the middle of the day every day. Dope-smoking was mandatory. It was pretty much the perfect job for an early 90s proto genXer.
Anyway.
My job in the Breckenridge gift shop was something different. The place was called Frannie's*, and I think it might have even been called Frannie's Everything Under $5. Maybe not. Maybe I just think that because that phrase, that damnable phrase, was permanently lodged into my head as I was required to say it to each and every person who walked in the door.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
It was a short knife in my kidneys every time I had to utter it, and I fear it will never leave my head. If I live to be 99 and senile, I'm afraid that's the one thing I'll remember.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
People wandered in and out all day long. There was a constant stream of irksome gapers shuffling in and out looking for gaudy gee-gaws and trinkets to take home to prove that Colorado does, in fact, have the same cheap-ass disposable crap as every other state in the Union.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
And the thing is, it wasn't even good enough. You couldn't just say it and leave it at that. My boss wanted us to spice it up a little. She wanted us to add a little flair.
Welcome to Frannie's! I'm not sure you noticed, but everything's under five dollars! Did you see our snow globes? They're next to the commemorative bells.
I was a damn door chime. A parrot set to auto-pilot. When six or seven people came in in a row, and I would have to repeat it again and again, sometimes they would snicker at me. I didn't blame them.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Occasionally I would shorten it. It was the everything under five bucks that got to me. That humbled me. So I'd just:
Welcome to Frannie's!
But if my boss, the store owner, was there, she'd get pissed. You have to tell them everything's under five dollars!
Oh. Yeah. Sorry. They probably wouldn't have noticed from the sign outside, or the one on the door, or all the ones hanging from the ceiling, if I didn't tell them. You're right. That's why I make minimum wage, because I don't know these things. I'm sorry. Won't happen again. From now on, I'll make sure and say
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
You know what's funny? When you have a store full of worthless crap, people will want to argue with you over the price.
-Will you give this to me for a dollar off?
A mouse pad with the phrase "Don't Eat Yellow Snow - Colorado" and a picture of a St. Bernard with a goofy grin is thrust in my face.
-I'm sorry, sir, I can't give you a discount.
He'll toss the mouse pad on the counter, he won't put back where it had been. His face twists into a smug look of dismissal. He has me where he wants me. I am nothing to him. I am just some piece of shit who works in a lousy discount shop. He, on the other hand, has enough money for a COLORADO VACATION.
-Well I'm not paying two dollars for that crap. It's crap!
Yes, he is in control, he makes this clear. He has the money, and I do not. If I want his lucre, I have to do what he wants. His face tells me that if I understood this, perhaps I would be making more than minumum wage. Perhaps I, too, could afford a COLORADO VACATION.
- I'm sorry, sir, I really can't give you a discount. I just work here.
He blows a puff of air from his mouth, in disgust, shakes his head, and leaves the store. Two hours later, he and his wife have come back in, buying mouse pads, pencils, and souvenir maps of the village drawn in a fanciful style. Sure, he's paying full price now. But it's still a bargain. After all, this is Frannie's, where everything's under five dollars.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Another interesting phenomena were the people who came in looking for lift tickets. This would happen two or three times a day. Someone would walk in the door, and I'd look at them and say:
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
They would then approach the counter and ask, sometimes in a whisper, Hey, do you sell lift tickets?
This was always asked with an expression of hope in the eyes, as if they have, perhaps, stumbled into the one place in Colorado where lift tickets cost not forty dollars, not fifty dollars, not sixty dollars, but less than five dollars. Goodgoogledymoogledy! Can you imagine!?!
-Harriet, I found this place called Frannie's where everything's under five dollars! Including lift tickets! I bought 500 to sell to other tourists! We're rich!
Alas, it was always my sad duty to tell them, No, I'm sorry, we don't. Did you see our T-shirts?
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
The T-shirts were big sellers. Everybody wanted a cheap T-shirt to take home. Nevermind that the reason they were so cheap is that they were the ugliest shirts this side of Liberache's top drawer.
-It's under $5! It says 'double black death wish' and has a picture of a skier in sunglasses going over a cliff! I'll wear it in Omaha and nobody will ever know that I never made it past Schoolmarm. The people who bought these shirts tended to look like they spent more time at the buffet than the backcountry.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
After a week or so working there, the owner (Who wasn't named Frannie. No. She had bought the place from Frannie. I heard Frannie took her profits and rolled them into another enterprise, running guns and drugs out of Tiujuana into Tacoma. Or maybe it was a diner in Dillon. I forget.) had me start running the store on my own. I was fine with this. The first thing I did, naturally, was to stop saying
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
every-time someone walked in the door. At first I was just opening, and my boss would show up an hour or two later. But that quickly stretched out into a few hours and a few hours more and before I knew it, it was one or two p.m. by the time she would arrive. Turnover was rampant, most employees had a tenure roughly equivalent to the half-life of Cobalt 65. After two weeks on the job, I was the senior employee. She had trouble scheduling other shifts to relieve me. She had things to take care of herself at home. I found myself working long hours without a break, as there was nobody available to relieve me. Since there were already a lot of other noxious things about the job
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
I decided this was all I could take. I began slacking in earnest. Consiously so. It started off reasonably. I'd close the store down for a half-hour or so and get myself some lunch. But then, emboldened, I'd close for other reasons. Like needing a nap. I'd lock the door and lie down behind the counter until I felt refreshed. Nobody came in before ten or eleven anyway. But since I was making jack-shit, it was no skin off my boss' nose to have me be there opening at seven in the morning just in case someone came in to make one purchase.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
As you would expect, I was more or less fired after a week or two of constant napping and a regular plundering of the Reese's bin on the counter. Some money went missing from the till, and I was suspected. I blamed bad bookkeeping, and still do. (For all my other faults, of this I was completely innocent.) The owner wasn't exactly Bill Gates. (hint, hint: nothing in your store is under five dollars. You do, however, have a shop-full of items that are less than five dollars.) I wasn't fired outright, however, she just quit scheduling me. What did I care? This wasn't my career. It was just a job. And a shitty one at that.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
I would find a new one. This was, in my opinion, the great thing about working in a resort town. There were a wide range of shitty jobs to choose from.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Fuck that. I'll humiliate myself elsewhere.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Including the hourly wage paid to our employees.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
But note that the candies are ridiculously overpriced.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
No, I'm sorry, we don't have any collectable tea-spoons from Aspen. This is Breckenridge. Maybe you could try looking in Aspen?
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
No, we don't have a bathroom. I use the one in the Bennigan's when I have to go. They never seem to notice. You might try that.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Did you see our line of humerous posters? We have one that says "How's your Aspen," and it has pictures of snow-covered Aspens on it. Oh, and on second thought, sorry for mocking you about the spoon. I guess it was a reasonable question after all.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Oh, God, hold me now.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
I can't do it.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
I can't.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
I just can't do it anymore.
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars!
Welcome to Frannie's; everything's under five dollars! - Damage surveyor - This was in Kuwait City just after Gulf War I ended. After working as a particularly astute data-entry dude for a bit, I was sent out into the field. Hoo-ray! It was much more interesting. We worked long, hard days, 12-hour shifts, seven days a week, in 100-plus degree temperatures. I saw buku bombs and guns, and a few dead people. I made a small fortune and pushed a truck through the desert at night. I have a lot more to say about this. But not now.
- Rafting guide - I worked briefly on the Ocoee and Nantahala rivers as a rafting guide. Great fun, beyond shitty pay. It was like working in a company town. I had to work hourly cleaning rooms to keep from going into debt to the company that operated the tours and provided lodging and food (both to guests and employees). A total scam that took advantage of naive college students, but well worth it in retrospect.
Four Movies I Can Watch Over And Over
- Raising Arizona
- Miller's Crossing
- The Royal Tennenbaums
- Rushmore
- O.R. they?
All of these movies are made by brothers, be they Cohens, Wilsons, or Andersons. I support family values.
Four Places I've Lived
- Tehran, Iran - yek, do, seh, chaer, paenj, shesh, haeft, haesht, noh, daeh
- Silverthorne, Colorado
- Kuwait City, Kuwait
- Mt. Pleasant, South Carolina
Four TV Shows I Love
- Survivor
- The Amazing Race
- Desperate Housewives Haha! not really! That's a show for girls! Sigh.... Oh, okay. Really.
- Tribal Life - Though I could do with less Real World style graphics and EXTREME VOICEOVERS and a little more dry analysis from someone with an English accent and hidden drinking problem.
Four Places I've Vacationed
- Polynesia
- Ireland
- Mexico
- Rhode Island
Four of My Favorite Dishes
- Vegetarian green curry.
- The Mission Burrito
- The Papa-san roll at Tsunami
- Marzipan. Dish or not. I love it, and I'm listing it, dammit.
Four sites I Visit Daily
There are many, many, bigger sites I visit daily, but I thought I'd list blogs. DIY! DIY!
Four Places I Would Rather Be Right Now
- Muang Ngoi, Laos
- Anywhere along Brandon Bay, Ireland
- Havana, Cuba
- Bhutan
Four People I Am Tagging
* Note: it was not actually called Frannie's. I've slightly altered the name to protect myself from potential lawsuits or whatevers. The last thing I need is freaking Frannie's coming out of my past to haunt me again.
1 comments
Oh man, you've put me on the spot now, haven't you?! I just got back yesterday morning, so I'll need a few days to get my head together. (I opened NetNewsWire last night and found 3000-plus unread posts. As they say in South Africa, eish!)
-- noted
MacDara : 3:14 PM- l i n k -
