[LEMONS] 4.07.2004
Cutters
I was in Atlanta last week, visiting family. I love Atlanta, the city too busy to hate, and all that. Give me Bar-B-Q, The Varsity, Waffle House and Chick-Fil-A. Coca-Cola by the gallon, and a limitless supply of sweet iced tea. Sure, there are downsides, most of which have to do withBut I digress.
As I was flying out, on Monday, I encountered a security line approximately the length of 5 football fields. I say five football fields because a woman working for TSA told me the line was about 500 yards long. No hyperbole here. Even the typically shorter T-Gate line stretched long past the rows of check-in counters, around a corner and down a corridor. With just a little over an hour and a half between the time I checked in, and my flight's departure time, there was no way I was going to make it through that line in time. The woman from TSA also told me that, on a typical Monday, they saw 100,000 travelers, their busiest day of the week, and that on the preceeding Sunday, they had seen 800,000 and were expecting even more that day. Spring Break, yo. I was fuxxor3d.
Luckily for me, as I walked from the beginning of the line, towards its end, I came across a huge gap. A void left by a gaggle of confused German exchange students, that hoary business travelers were rushing to fill. In my defense, I legitimately did believe this to be the line's end as I came across it, thinking that, well, maybe they *really* got it moving between the time I arrived at the airport, and checked-in. And then I heard a woman admonishing the Germans to move forward,a s people were moving ahead of them in line. I felt bad. But I would have felt worse had I missed my flight, and thus Harper's medical procedure of yesterday. Tough for you, Jerry.
Anyway.
With my new position at approximately 1/3 of the way towards the line's front, I was able to make it through security and to the gate in about 1.5 hours, just in time for my flight, which was already boarding by the time I got there. Phew.
All in the family
But my cousin was also flying that day, about an hour after me. We had initially planned on riding to the airport together, and, failing that, I had hoped to see him there. The massive line precluded this, and I wondered if he made it through at all. But he called last night, to ask if I had made it through in time. I told him my tale of being a cheating cheater. A Naer-do-well, profiting from the inattention of German youth. But he had a story too.
He arrived at the airport roughly 45 minutes before his flight was to board. At the ticket counter, aware he would never make it, he asked what he should do about getting on another flight. They told him the people at the gate would have to make that call. He seemed screwed. So he went outside to smoke a cigarette, and think. And while there, he approached a group of Skycaps.
Cuz: What would it take to get you to take me through to the T-Gate?
SC (pointing at the $5 bill in my cousin's hand): Well, that's not going to do it.
Cuz (producing a $20): How about this?
SC: Wait here.
The skycap returned with a wheelchair, and instructed my cousin to sit in it, and to pretend to be unable to walk. He then wheeled my cousin tot he front of the line, and passed him through security, where they patted him down, but didn't run him through a metal detector for obvious reasons. Once around the corner, the skycap told him to get up, and that he was on his own. My cousin made his flight.
Now, this story illustrates 3 principles. Or is meant to at least.
1) My cousin and I rule.
2) My cousin and I are both cheating cheaters and deserve your impending chastisement and derision. I know, I know. Bring it on. But on my end, I had a medical situation and family obligation that I could not miss. On his, it was his first business trip for a new job. What option did we have?
3) Our airports are not secure when any yahoo with twenty bucks to his name can, more or less, bypass security.
- l i n k -
