[LEMONS]


6.07.2002

53v3n 50n65 4nd 4 c0nfe5510n #8

Remember, not forever, just for now.

• Ramones--Beat on the Brat
• Ramones--I Wanna Be Sedated
• Ramones--Judy is a Punk
• Ramones--Now I Wanna Sniff Some Glue
• Ramones--Blitzkreig Bop
• Ramones--Sheena is a Punk Rocker
• Ramones--Rock & Roll Radio

And yours?

I am unreasonably worried about germs. When I ride the bus, I keep my hands tucked up in my sweatshirt or jacket to avoid touching anything. When using payphones, I hold the receiver with two fingers, and sometimes use my t-shirt as a screen to talk through. If I'm close to someone who coughs or sneezes, I hold my breath for awhile afterwards. But that's nothing compared to what I do when I enter a public restroom. Allow me to walk you through.

I typically enter by opening the door with my foot, if possible. If I have to open the door with my hand, I use my left one. Upon entering, if there is any odor whatsoever, I start holding my breath because, you know, molecules. If i'm sitting, I wipe the seat with paper, and then lay down one of those seat cover things that thankfully seem to be in every bathroom in California. I try never to do this. I shit in public restrooms only on the rarest of occasions. But number 1 is another story. There's no avoiding that. I mean, I'm a coffee achiever.

If the lid's down, I lift it with my shoe. When I'm finished, I lower it with my shoe, and then flush, also with shoe. And then comes the tricky part: washing up. Let's say you've just washed your hands in the sink. As soon as you turn off the water, you've contaminated your fingers again. For all you know, the typhus-infested motherfucker who touched that faucet last could have hand his fingers up his ass all day long. There could be bacteria, viruses, worms, spores and parasites all over the thing. Just because they're wet, doesn't mean they're dead. So what I do is I go for the paper towels first. I remove a few from the holder, or unroll them before turning on the sink. Then I wash up, just like you do, except with more soap and vigorous scrubbing. I then use one of my set aside towels to turn off the faucet, and another to dry my hands.

But what about the doorknob? All my work could be for naught with a single HPV germ sitting on the doorknob. If it opens outwards and doesn't have a latch, I go for the foot. If that isn't possible, I use another of the paper towels that I've set aside to grasp the handle. I then yank open the door so that I can scoot through without touching anything, and toss the towel in the trash on the way out. If the trashcan isn't handy, I move it (with my foot) to be closer to the door before exiting. If this isn't possible, or if there is an outer door that leads to the restrooms, I toss the towel in the closest available trash can outside of the bathroom, being ultra careful not to touch the contaminated side.

And you wondered what took me so long.

0 comments
- l i n k -

-###-