[LEMONS] 2.09.2002
Minuscule Western European Nations, Of Which You May Not Have Heard
I spent Friday night watching the opening ceremonies of the Olympic games because, you know, I party. Now, if you read my site regularly you know I'm a Southerner in exile. And like all Southerners, my attention in 1996 was wholly focused on the Summer games in Atlanta. It was with these games that I began watching opening ceremonies, which I had previously regarded as a four hour halftime show (and, to some extent, I still do, but now I at least watch them rather than flipping to MTV). And, like every other educated Southerner trying to put a good face forward, I was mortified when they rolled out the pickup trucks. Mortified. "This is the New South? This is the image we want to project to the rest of the nation and world? Pickup trucks?" I immediately began making preparations to move to California.
And in all the ways the opening ceremony in 96 failed, last night's was a smashing success. The only drawback, in my book, was that seriously unfunny jackass Bob Costas. But you can't really blame Salt Lake City for Costas, now can you? The opening ceremony was spectacular. The Oklahoma-style Fancy Dancers and those large animal puppets in particular stood out. I was quite impressed, and no, the good people of Salt Lake City didn't pay me off to say this. As far as you know.
But what really got me, what really grabbed me by the pooperscooper and said "pardon me, but there's something here on the tellie that you really ought to see, old chap," was the parade of lesser known European nations. Now, I'm no geography expert. I mean, hell, I was born in the USA, what do you expect? But still, I thought I knew all of the Western European nations. So you can just imagine my surprise when The Andorrans came strutting out.
I leapt from my seat and grabbed an Almanac from the shelf, and discovered that Andorra was just one of a few Minuscule Western European Nations, Of Which I Had Not Heard. And so, I decided that I had a public duty to educate the world as to the plight of these Minuscule Western European Nations, Of Which You May Not Have Heard. But how does one qualify such a survey? Does Luxembourg count? No, no it does not, in my opinion. Everyone's heard of Luxembourg. What about Vatican City? No, screw Vatican City; they have the pope, and isn't that enough? I thought about basing the survey on population or land size, but either of those would qualify Monaco, which everyone has heard of. And besides, they have movies and casinos and princes and they even stole one of our Stars of Stage and Screen. Screw Monaco. So in the end, I decided that since it's my ball, I get to make the rules. If you don't like it, go buy your own ball. I'm the king of carrot flowers on this playground, bub. And now, I'm proud to present Minuscule Western European Nations, Of Which You May Not Have Heard:
Principality of Andorra
Population: 64,716.
Area: 174 sq. miles
Where it be: Between France and Spain.
And a little about it: It's a principality, governed by two "princes," (who have nothing to do with that gawdawful band from the early 90s) namely the president of France and the Spanish bishop of Seo du Urgel. Independent since 1278, it's had a constitution since 1993. Now I loosely quote the 1999 New York Timmy's Almanac (which was my source for all this bullhonkey): "Since 1278 Andorra has owed feudal allegiance to two co-rulers, the bishop of Seo de Urgel and, now, the President of France. Until 1993, Andorra had no constitution, so the rights of the rulers remained vague. Andorra's traditional economic mainstay has been the transshipment of goods (i.e. smuggling) between France and Spain. Spain's 1986 entry into the EU led Andorra to seek a customs union with the EU. The 1990 treaty was Andorra's first in over 700 years. In the same year, the co-princes introduced Andorra's first penal code and sales tax. In March of 93, Andorra's 9,123 voters adopted a modern constitution that will reduce the power of the co-princes and establish a three-branch government."
Overall grade: B+ We dig Andorra's feudal remnants and recent history of lawlessness, particularly the smuggling. This nation is Aces! But they get knocked a little bit for the whole Bishop thing. Come on, Andorra. Church and state, keep 'em separate.
Principality of Liechtenstein
Population: 31,717
Area: 62 square miles
Where it be: Between the Austrians and the Swiss.
And a little about it: I know what you're thinking, "Liechtenstein!?! What a ripoff! I've heard of Liechtenstein!" Yeah, well, screw you. It's my ball. "Lstein," which I call it because that's easier to type, is a hereditary constitutional monarchy, independent since 1719. It's had a constitution since 1921. It's a "remnant of the holy Roman Empire" and the current prince's (Hans Adam II) family came to power in 1699. There's not too much to say about Lstein, it isn't very interesting. "It was tied to the Austro-Hungarian monarchy until 1918. Since then it has remained in a customs union with Switzerland, which handles its foreign affairs." Women didn't earn the right to vote until 1984. Lstein is "a corporate haven with some 25,000 corporations maintaining nominal headquarters there."
Overall grade: C- Screw Lstein. Between the corporate stuff, not giving women the right to vote until 84, and the general blandness it's lucky to even pass. In fact the only reason it passes is due to geography. I'm guessing it's probably very beautiful, and since it's between Switzerland and Austria, I assume that you can get really good beer and chocolate there. I love beer and chocolate. But not together.
Republic of Malta
Population: 379,563
Area: 124 square miles
Where it be: In the Mediterranean Ocean, south of Sicily. Malta is an island archipelago.
And a little about it: Okay, I'm just going to be honest here, I've included Malta because I'm always getting it confused with Yalta. I should be able to keep it straight because of the falcon, but I just can't, quite honestly. Yalta is a city on the Crimean peninsula. If you're interested in Yalta, you'll just have to look it up yourself because it's neither a nation, nor in Western Europe, and this segment is all about Minuscule Western European Nations, Of Which You May Not Have Heard. So. Onward. Malta is made up largely of the descendants of the ancient Carthaginians and Phoenicians, which is pretty fucking cool if you ask me. I don't know if they have elephants. It's a parliamentary democracy, independent since 1964. Before that, the UK owned it. The British are crafty like that. The chief crop is potatoes. It was always a seafaring crossroads. "In 1090, the Norman kings of Sicily conquered it and made it a way station for the first crusade. In 1530 Charles V gave the island to the Knights Hospitalers (the Knights of Malta)." That's rad. I wonder if they've got the grail on Malta. "The island withstood a siege by the Ottoman Turks in 1565, and only fell to Napolean in 1798." the British got it in 1800, somehow or another. Crafy lot, them Britts. The Germans and Italians bombed the piss out of it in World War II. "The entire population was awarded the George Cross for bravery." In 1964, the English gave Malta independence. Probably because the Maltans were so fucking bad. Since then the Maltese have been kicking ass.
Overall grade: A++! Malta kicks ass! It's a nation of total badasses, and it's got a rich history to boot. I mean, the entire population was brave. How rad is that? Plus there's the falcon and the whole thing with the Knights of Malta. Malta is tops in my book. I hope they find that grail, though.
Republic of San Marino
Population: 24,894
Area: 23 square miles (slightly larger than half the size of San Francisco
Where it be: Smack dab in the middle of Italy. The closest city of any size is Florence
And a little about it: Independent since 301 (301!), San Marino has had a constitution since 1600. It is the world's oldest republic. Aces! "While Piedmont Sardinia was conquering the rest of Italy during the period from 1860 to 1870, it left San Marino independent; the new kingdom of Italy signed a treaty of friendship and cooperation with the republic in 1862. Leftist coalitions governed San Marino from 1986 - 1978, giving San Marino the only Communist government west of the Soviet bloc. Since 1986, it has been governed by a coalition of communists and Christian Democrats. Lacking extremes of wealth and poverty and with low unemployment, the republic enjoys general prosperity."
Overall grade: A- What a cool little country. I love the republican thing, and the equitable distribution of wealth. It does sound a little quiet for my tastes, but it sounds like a great place to grow up or to spend your retirement.
And thus concludes my tour of Minuscule Western European Nations, Of Which You May Not Have Heard. I hope that there was at least one nation on this list that you were unfamiliar with. I may do the same thing with Eastern Eurpoean nations, African nations, Asian nations, Pacific Island nations, South American nations, who knows. Or I may not. I may just talk about pancakes and ponies. Whatever. See the aforementioned my ball rule.
- l i n k -
