-=-namaste-=-

wednesday, january 2

I wanted to have some little ceremony or some kind of ritual on New Year's Eve to give thanks for the past year and to ask for a blessed 2002. I envisioned sitting on top of a mountain meditating, praying, writing in my journal, breathing... I built up all of these expectations in my head and heart.
So when we had trouble finding Mount Diablo and then when we found it realized that we were almost out of gas and had to turn around and get gas before going up there... time ticking away before we were to pick up Rob at the airport... I acted like a brat and blamed Mat for the whole excursion not living up to my expectations. Of course I wouldn't think to blame myself.
I sat up on top of mount diablo blocked up with frustration and anger, unable to meditate or pray. It was so beautful in retrospect, sitting on top of the higest peak in the bay area, watching the fog roll in, listening to a stream bubbling nearby, looking at a lone bird perched on a phone wire surveying his world. I was brooding on the fact that I didn't have all of the time up there that I had wanted. I didn't have my ritual that I had so much expectation built up around.
Rob and Mat and I were talking this morning over breakfast, and rob pointed out that it is when you have such high expectations of a thing or person or place or time that you get disappointed. Expectations are all about attachment. Once you attach yourself to something and therefore try to make it exactly how you want it and judge it as either turning up good or bad, you have found the root of unhappiness.

Acceptance and simple observation of how your life is unfolding rather than trying to make it all end up "good" are the ways to a life well lived... A huge undertaking, trying to practice detachment. Nondualism -- stop judging everything as "good" and "bad", "black" and "white"... living up to or not living up to your impossibly high expectations.

it always amazes me when I learn something from a friend who really wasn't trying to teach...
9:32 PM 0 comments