-=-namaste-=-

monday, december 17

My post from December 11th upset a lot of people, and I apologize!! I will start putting warnings...It is amazing to see the reaction of people who don't have to deal with this kind of thing every day. Some people cried uncontrollably when they read about my sweet little patient.

I was talking to one of my coworkers about all of this and marvelling at how all of us are not in shambles all day every day dealing with sick or dying children. It is scary how rarely I cry about my patients these days. I remember when I first started doing this as a job I cried a lot. My heart has formed a protective shell around it when it comes to the little people that I take care of. But, boy, mention a hurt animal, and I am broken and in tears. I even almost welled up at the Christmas tree lot last night seeing all of the beautiful and majestic trees cut down in all of their glory and tied up and thrown on top of each other for people to point at one, tie it to their car, and take it home to pile presents under. (We got a gorgeous tree that, as you can read, I feel quite conflicted about having)... I digress...

One time I was getting some bodywork from Beth, and she put her hands on the spot on me that just goes numb a lot. Between my shoulderblades on my back, behind my heart. It was this spot that caused me to seek out some bodywork in the first place. It is usually numb, and when I sit in meditation it tingles as though it is falling asleep. It aches, and I can't seem to move any energy through it.

Beth did some Reiki there at that spot, and I got these vivid images. The one that stays with me all the time. It was soooo vivid and real. It was of this little blob with a face on it. The face was of a child, but it looked way too old... you know, the eyes looked tired and as though they had seen and experienced way more than they should have for the length of time that they have been on the earth... there were furrows in the brow as though the thing was scared, worried, anxious... The blob had two arms reaching out of it. One holding the back of my heart, and the other one holding that spot on my back. The hands were gripped and white-knuckled, straining to keep the two connected through the blob.

what does it mean? a lot to ponder,and I will never know for sure. I know that it has a lot to do with trying to keep my heart open when my job is one that causes many to shut down and quit feeling, to grow old and burned-out, hard. It is an ongoing journey full of attempting to balance my empathy with my sanity...

to everyone that read my last post and got upset, I hope that it was good for you. One person who broke apart after reading it said that it felt good and that he hadn't cried in a long time, a lot of stuff came out. I hope that if the post did upset you, it was in that way. It is so good that I know people who are open enough to let that story reach in and grab their heart centers and give them a little shake.

keep the prayers coming for the little one...
3:52 PM 0 comments