[LEMONS] 11.16.2001
I've always enjoyed making prank phone calls. Some of my earliest memories of the telephone involve using it (along with my cousins Sherri and Doug) to prank phone call random people and pretend we were with a radio station. Since we were like 8, nobody believed us, and I'm pretty sure that whatever we were doing was ultimately harmless. But still, it goes way back. Today I virtually never make prank phone calls. Who needs to? That's what telemarketers are for. In college, I worked for two different telemarketing firms, one that sold magazines and another that raised money for the Georgia State Troopers Association. Here's what I know about telemarketing: a) it's one of the most boring jobs in the world b) if you give money to a telemarketer for a charity, the charity only sees about seven percent of the cash. The rest goes to the TM. So I view it as my duty to help out by entertaining these poor chumps on the other end of the line and never, *ever* giving them money. The thing is, you have to tempt them. You have to make them think that there might be some money coming, that if they stay on the line, and put up with your utter insanity and obnoxiousness, they're gonna get that twenty-five cent bonus for making a sale. It's all about the benjamins. Last night, for example, someone called me on behalf of the Special Olympics. I began by expressing my utter gratitude for the special olympics, and explaining to the caller that the real Olympics were no damn good anymore because all the athletes are gay, and I'll be glad to give the Special Olympics money as long as they don't start letting the queers in. This is one of my favorite things to do. Say something preposterous and reprehensible, but hold out the promise of money, and see if they stick with you. They nearly always do. from there it's the standard silly stuff ("sir did you know that special olympians are training right now to..." "right now?!?" "yes sir right now to.." "but it's cold and dark out!"). But for me the big closer is always the same: get the caller to pray with you. Nobody will do this. All you have to say is something like, "well, jim-bob" (regardless of whether or not they're named jim-bob obviously. or even if they're male) "that sounds pretty good to me. why don't we pray over it?" This freaks people the fuck out. This is when the stammering starts, when they get uncomfortable, and try to weasel. If you sense that they aren't uncomfortable enough, you can always launch into something such as "May God smite all those who bear false witness, vote for democrats, and shop at K-Mart..." I've had one guy go the distance with me and finally I just had to hang up on the cold hearted son of a bitch because I realized he was even more evil than I was. But aside form that it nearly always works. Great fun. I highly recommend it.
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